You can't rap, my friend, you're white and you're from Fulham
Please put down the mic, there's no way you can fool them
Don't be stupid, you won't get that far
Turn your back on hip-hop, bruv, and go and play guitar
Of all the possibilities I ever could've chosen
Supposing career-wise, I picked hip-hop
Imagine all the tip-top rappers' bottom lips drop
Sitting there shocked that some other bloody shit's hot
Dude with a mullet, but in shorts, wearing flip-flops
Spitting to a gathering, looking like a criss-cross
Of fans loving Prodigy, Kylie and Slipknot
Nearly could've happened, bruv, look at me, I shit not
Little Eliot, rhymes for the hell of it
If only he was battle mans, maybe he would sell a bit
I tried hard to dig up the credentials
Even thought about putting gold in my dentals
An Anglo-Saxon with a broken accent
But rappers from Fulham get a strange reaction
I said bye to raps, saw the issue at hand
Some guitar lessons later, formed my own band
You can't rap, my friend, you're white and you're from Fulham
Please put down the mic, there's no way you can fool them
Don't be stupid, you won't get that far
Turn your back on hip-hop, bruv, and go and play guitar
Attention seeking, how far should a man go?
Cut his ear off like Vincent Van Gogh
Dash cash to the crowd so the venue scrambles
Turn my good life into a baby's shambles
Fuck myself up real properly, like Pete Doherty
Cover a heat, I'm hot property
Everybody's clocking me, I own the crowd
Then I gotta link me up with a Girls Aloud
Necks exchange vows, now my pops is proud
There's a nine on my cloud, I'm as pleased as I ever been, bro
Man's flash like Jose Mourinho
Women crave me like bottles of pinot
Now I've got big, I can fight photographers
Bang the obvious, please biographers
Spend currency till there ain't none left
And when I need more, I fake my own death
You can't rap, my friend, you're white and you're from Fulham
Please put down the mic, there's no way you can fool them
Don't be stupid, you won't get that far
Turn your back on hip-hop, bruv, and go and play guitar
Right now, it's just hit and miss, soon, I'll taste the bitter bliss
Banging chicks at worst with looks like Jane Middlemiss
Never doing hideous, it's too bad for business
I'll spin when they grin with skin like Darth Sidious
Never I'll riddle this, all chat and gibberish
Verbal diarrhoea, so you're never getting rid of this
Hear your retorts, there's all sorts like liquorice
I can sense your bitterness, you wishing you written this
You can't rap, my friend, you're white and you're from Fulham
Please put down the mic, there's no way you can fool them
Don't be stupid, you won't get that far
Turn your back on hip-hop, bruv, and go and play guitar
Have you ever been so out of your tree?
Eyes wide open, but somehow, you can't see
But with the photos before you, you remember the story
Two days later, we're just back at that beat
Remorse this and be in a disgrace
Eating Gary's like it's some kind of race
Like the shit that it taste of, you were chewing your face off
Doesn't matter cause you're in a happy place
What? Fuck the rest of you, I can't take the stress of all
Everybody sitting pretty, this a fucking festival
You're like, "Let's just chill" and I'll be chatting till
Someone up in here goes and gets some bloody Jack and Jills
I'll show you skills in the art form of getting mashed
Make a scene like a Boeing 747 crash
Right here with a bunch of fucking scenesters
So I'm a fiend, but why you not getting lean?
Tent load of booze and the sun is in the sky
The best bands in the country, someone tell me why
Everybody's dull when it's 3 in the afternoon
Already dropped three, so I know I'll be laughing soon
That's the plan, Stan, eyes black as night
On a high note like saucers, more like a saucepan
Be getting twisted, call everyone a cunt
So I won't remember shit, but I know that it was fun
Have you ever been so out of your tree?
Eyes wide open, but somehow, you can't see
But with the photos before you, you remember the story
Two days later, we're just back at that beat
Remorse this and be in a disgrace
Eating Gary's like it's some kind of race
Like the shit that it taste of, you were chewing your face off
Doesn't matter cause you're in a happy place
Now it's seven in the evening, I leave to go AWOL
Take a break from shoving chemicals down my cake hole
Now I'm on a mission like a hunter, I'm jumping
But don't know what I'm looking for, pushing through the punters
Call a bloke a cunt cause he looks like James Blunt
Venture to the front of the main stage
It's like some insane cage and the boss is performing
I've seen him seven times, so his set is pretty boring
As he pushes things forward, I push some smelly fat bloke backwards
Don't get me mad, bruv, a harsh reaction
But I'm buzzing off my head, wait, why the fuck you touching me?
You wanna fucking slap some, hand inside my pocket
I've gone and lost my wallet, venture by sloppily
Everybody's clocking me, where you been, Example?
How nice to pay a visit
Been missing for an hour, but it felt like ten minutes
Have you ever been so out of your tree?
Eyes wide open, but somehow, you can't see
But with the photos before you, you remember the story
Two days later, we're just back at that beat
Remorse this and be in a disgrace
Eating Gary's like it's some kind of race
Like the shit that it taste of, you were chewing your face off
Doesn't matter cause you're in a happy place
So I smile for the camera and everybody's cracking up
Something in my head says they're jealous of my stamina
And having a piss cake, my fucking face aches
I know what'll fix it, a few pieces of space cake
Yum, yum, yeah, gobble it down
It'll balance what I've swallowed, stop the wobbling around
Wait, look, there's some DJs from Radio 1
Have you ever been so out of your tree
Eyes wide open but somehow you can't see
With the bottles before you, you remember the story
Two days later but you're back at that beat
Remorseless and being a disgrace
Eating like it's some kind of race
Taste of, you were chewing your face off
Doesn't matter cause you're in a happy place
